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Children are often more attentive than many adults give them credit for.
They not only absorb what we say to them directly, but also how we talk about ourselves and others, what we say to others about them, and how we behave.
We asked experts what things children notice that adults don’t always notice. This list isn’t meant to be a judgement, but rather a reminder that we can all be a little more intentional about our daily interactions.
1. How you feel about your partner, co-parent, or other caregivers.
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You may think you are being subtle when you roll your eyes or give your father-in-law a dirty look. But children can pick up on these nonverbal signals, said clinical psychologist Jazmine McCoy, who goes by @TheMomPsychologist on Instagram. You’re also capable of picking up on criticism or negative remarks about the other parent or caregivers in their life, even if you try to dismiss them as jokes or sarcasm, she told HuffPost.
“Kids notice this dynamic, so try your best to speak positively about the other parent and caregivers near your child – even if they’re in another room,” McCoy said. “They can probably still hear you.”
This is important regardless of your relationship with these people. Why? It helps the child feel safe, confident and cared for, build a stronger emotional connection with their caregivers and be less anxious, McCoy said.
She gave some examples of the kinds of things she thinks your child should hear said about the other adults in your child’s life: “Wow, mom has planned a fun adventure for us!” or “Dinner turned out great. Dad is a great cook!” or “Oh, that looks like a great memory you had with Grandma. It was so nice of her to take you there.”
2. How you feel in your body.
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Children are “very aware” of how adults talk about their own bodies and the bodies of others, said registered dietitian Alyssa Miller of the Instagram account @nutrition.for.littles. And they can read our body language, too.
“They can perceive subtle – and not so subtle – actions and draw conclusions about the body from them,” she told HuffPost. “They learn what is considered good and bad, desirable and undesirable.”
They watch you look at yourself in the mirror and can draw conclusions from that. They notice if you never wear a bathing suit to the pool, delete a lot of pictures of yourself or avoid being on camera altogether, Miller said.
“Adults constantly show children how to view their own bodies through their everyday actions,” she said. “Think about it: No baby or toddler feels ashamed of their belly, their thighs or their size until they hear comments or witness someone else being insecure about them.”
3. What is really important to you.
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“Children notice what you really value based on what you say and do. That is sometimes different from what you say you value,” says clinical psychologist Laura Markham, author of Peaceful parents, happy children and founder of the website Aha! Parenting.
For example, you could tell your child that sports are all about teamwork, learning new skills and having fun with friends.
“But then when you pick them up after the game, the first question is, ‘Who won?'” Markham told HuffPost.
You’ve probably told your child many times how important it is to be honest, “but then you make them lie about their age to get a discount at the amusement park,” she added.
Children learn values by observing your behavior and then drawing conclusions about what you think is important, Markham said.
“Regardless of what you consciously teach them, your children will have clear ideas from childhood about what their parents truly value and will develop a well-developed value system of their own,” she added. “We need to articulate our values to ourselves and then to our children – not just once, but over and over again, applying those values to the daily dilemmas our children face.”
4. Your self-compassion (or lack thereof).
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“One thing I’ve noticed time and time again is that even though different children have different temperaments, their ability to give and receive grace and compassion often reflects that of the adults around them,” Miller said.
If your child is beating himself up about a mistake in school, you can comfort him by begging him not to take it so hard. But if you also tend to deal with setbacks this way, your child has taken notice.
“Children notice how adults deal with mistakes, how they talk to themselves, what unrealistic expectations they have and what perfectionist tendencies they pursue,” Miller said.
“Many people who lack self-compassion or are hard on themselves inadvertently teach children to be critical and hard on themselves,” she said. “Conversely, adults who are gentle with themselves, admit mistakes and move on from them, teach children resilience and show them how to use mistakes as learning opportunities.”
5. Your relationship with food.
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Children pay attention to the eating habits of the adults around them and how they talk about food. Parents and other caregivers “directly influence” children’s food choices and the views they develop about food, Miller said.
“Innocent comments like ‘those are dangerous’ when seeing a plate of cookies, labeling foods as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, skipping meals or expressing guilt about eating are observed and internalized by children,” she added.
Over time, such comments and behaviors shape a child’s relationship with food and “potentially lead to unhealthy eating habits or attitudes,” Miller said.
“Research shows that children tend to eat the same foods as their parents as children and adults,” she said. “By modeling a balanced and positive approach to food for children, adults can help children develop healthy eating habits and a healthy relationship with food.”
6. How to talk to other adults about your child.
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Let’s say your child just had an epic meltdown at Target. When you get home, you tell your partner what just happened in the form of sarcastic comments about the “great morning you both just had” or jokes about the incident because he thinks your child probably won’t understand.
“They may not know what it all means, but they sense that you are thinking negatively about what happened, and that can negatively impact their self-esteem and their relationship with you,” McCoy said.
When you talk to a friend, relative or other parent — whether on the phone or in person — about something that has happened to your child, be careful about the language you use, McCoy advises.
“Instead of focusing on the mistake or the problem, talk about the lesson you learned or how you solved the problem,” she said. “Imagine you are talking to your child, and talk to your partner about your child as you would directly with them.”
This article originally appeared on ^ “HuffPost: The Return of Poor Americans”.
