DEAR MISS MANNERS: A close relative of my husband’s has died. We found out by accident because an ad appeared on our social media feeds. We did not receive a private message, text, or phone call. We do not use social media very often. If we had not seen the ad, we would not have known.
My husband’s relative loved him very much and I felt it was tactless of the family not to notify him personally. After the wake, which was also held online, I wrote them a private message and told them.
They responded by saying I was rude and selfish. They said they, the (rather) bereaved who had organized the funeral and wake, had the right to handle this in a way that made their grief easier to bear. Then they blocked me on social media, which was fine with me.
I feel like when someone dies, there is no “easy.” There is only courtesy, and courtesy is to let people know in person that someone they care about has died. This shows consideration for those grieving the deceased and gives them a chance to show respect and support to those left behind.
Social media announcements that close relatives can see by chance are rude in my opinion. I admit I probably shouldn’t have mentioned it, especially since it’s my in-laws, but isn’t it generally rude not to inform family members directly (via email, text, or phone) that someone has died?
DEAR READER: It is easy to stumble by being too quick to claim moral superiority after committing the almost unforgivably rude act of reprimanding the chief mourners for their handling of the obituaries.
But yes, a personal call would have been preferable – which is something Miss Manners certainly would not have said to a text message, and probably not to an email either.
