PAUL CLARK says it’s time we stopped falling for the “master-servant lie” when it comes to relationships…
Brisbane, Australia
“Not again!” I just received another heartbreaking text from a victim of domestic violence. I do not work as a first responder in this epidemic. I am a pastor, but lately I have been working at the intersection of our society’s fight against domestic and family violence – everyday life.
There are victims who come to me and ask for help, advice and prayers – for a listening ear in their distress. There are also perpetrators (although fewer) who come to me and want to justify their actions or themselves, or try to pull me into their web of lies so that they can continue to live in the threatening catastrophe they have created. Or, even more rarely, who seek help to change.
IMAGE: Roman Budnyi/iStockphoto
Part of me wants to talk sense into these abusers. How can they not understand? They are not only making their spouse and children’s lives unbearable, but their own as well. Controlling, bossing others around, threatening and using violence – these actions will never lead to a happy, harmonious and loving life. How can anyone be so stupid?
But I have also lived long enough to know that most of us are more slaves to our upbringing, experiences, traumas and instincts than we would like to admit. Too often, we become what we have experienced.
“The best life is lived with loving equals who want the best for you. How do I know? In my faith tradition, God himself became human in Christ – an equal – and said to his followers, ‘I no longer call you servants, but friends.'”
And relationships are difficult. Even the best of us can react in ways we never imagined when the cost of living, addictions, alcohol and mental health issues are added to the complexities of modern family life.
These are not excuses, but reasons that we must address if we ever want to change history.
I have victims and perpetrators from all walks of life – LGBTIQ, workers, employees, people of different cultures, female and male victims.
I was lucky enough to grow up in a loving family. Never perfect, but my parents gave me the book to read, Beaten into submission, in my late teens. They were always advocates of non-violence and talked about domestic violence long before the rest of society did. I didn’t want violence in my relationships. Why wouldn’t I want my wife to feel safe and loved, my equal? I learned to cook and sew and play football.
Even though I’m a Generation Xer, I still had to contend with cultural assumptions that my wife would follow my career and carry the mental burden of running the household. As I said, relationships are difficult and negotiating such things well requires a lot of maturity and self-awareness compared to adhering to inherited norms.
Attitudes towards domestic violence have changed over the course of my life. When I was younger, domestic violence was never a topic of polite conversation, yet it was tolerated or even condoned as an acceptable method of male dominance over unruly women. No wonder it was the victims who were ashamed, not the perpetrators, and who were powerless to do anything.
Some of these things are still true, but the narrative is changing. Now it’s the perpetrators who feel the shame, but we still have a long way to go.
Sadly, while the general public is rejecting family and domestic violence, aggressive voices like those of Andrew Tate and others are reaching the ears of young men who are attracted to the brash macho certainty and simplistic logic that these people boast about.
Their message is tempting; Your best life is lived when you have someone subservient to your every need. You do that by being dominant, successful, and disinterested. In fact, that’s what women really want – and where they live their best life – as servants to a real man. This master-servant message is as old as cave paintings. Powerful men have been preaching it for ages to fulfill their superficial desires and ensure that their fragile egos and hidden insecurities never come to the surface.
What’s even sadder is that many women have believed this myth. In a TikTok video making the rounds, a young woman says in all seriousness, “I know how to hold my man,” and then goes on to talk about how she cooks, cleans, performs sexual acts, and “keeps her mouth shut.” How can we compete with such “enlightened” media?
And what’s worse, how can we address the message that “your every wish will be fulfilled by a harem of submissives” when some world leaders preach and flaunt that message while being supported by their spineless followers? Half of America seems to want to reward such a man for doing so, and my faith tradition is complicit in it! We all need to do better.
Gail Larsen says, “To change the world, tell a better story.”
Although religious groups in the trenches are trying to change this situation, they have long been hesitant, seemingly unwilling to abandon patriarchal traditions that are more of an afterthought than a better story (is this because the decision-makers were men who did not want to give up their domestic thrones?).
FAMILY AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SUPPORT SERVICES IN AUSTRALIA:
If you need help, call the emergency services immediately on number 0.
1800 Respect National Helpline: 1800 737 732
Women’s crisis hotline: 1800 811 811
Men’s Placement Service: 1300 766 491
Lifeline: 131 114
We must not believe the master-servant lie. It doesn’t take much to see that it is a deception. You think you will get everything, but in the end you are left with nothing.
You live your best life with loving equals who want the best for you. How do I know this? In my faith tradition, God himself became a human being in Christ—an equal—and said to his followers, “I no longer call you servants, but friends.”
If the essential elements of my belief are correct, these are some of the most profound words in history. Unlike all other kings, rulers, and strongmen in history, the God of the universe thinks it is better to be friends than master and servant. That makes me weep for joy. That is a better story.
If this is God’s pattern for the best life, why do we bother with counterfeits and imitations?
Do your life and actions reflect this better story? True joy is found in mutual friendship. Do your interactions with the opposite sex strive for this? Embrace a better story.
Paul Clark is a pastor, author, 96fives “At the Top” guy, husband, father, and anti-domestic violence activist.
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