Godbey: Things I’ve Learned in Life – Claiborne Progress

By Jack Godbey

columnist

I went to the store yesterday and a young man, about twenty years old, arrived at the same time as me. He held the door open for me so I could go in first. I thought he realized I was a cool and hip guy and wanted to show some respect. I put my collar up like the Fonz and said, “Thanks, man.” What happened next, however, threw me completely off track. He replied, “No problem, grandpa.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

I thought about trying out some tricks I once saw Hulk Hogan do on Andre the Giant in 1989 and showing him who he called Grandpa. Then I remembered I wasn’t wearing my good shoes with the athletic brace and I didn’t want to sprain anything. Then I realized maybe it’s best to just keep going.

I spent the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself. I suddenly realized that although I have lived many years, I have also learned a lot in those years that the little punk in the store doesn’t know. He may be young, but I am wise. For example, I learned that I have never eaten a Hot Pocket without regretting it afterwards. It seemed like such a great idea at the time. Ham and cheese in a delicious croissant. Unfortunately, the reality is that it is either still frozen inside, or hotter than nine shades of hell inside. By the time it cools down enough to eat, I have already moved on and eaten a sausage sandwich.

Over the years I’ve learned that breakfast in bed is a fantasy. Yes, it sounds great in theory. However, the reality is that my dog ​​gets more food than I do because I spill most of it on the bed. Have you ever slept on a pillow that’s sticky from syrup? Not good.

I also learned that I want to meet the man who invented the paint you can use to paint the buttons on remote controls and punch him in the face. The writing on the buttons keeps peeling off and I keep having to figure out which button does what.

I’ve learned that banks are being ripped off by their security camera salespeople. On social media, I see photos of people taking pictures of the moon with their iPhones in such detail that I can make out things that Neil Armstrong missed. However, if someone robs a bank and the picture is so blurry, they might as well be robbed by Foghorn Leghorn. Who’s to say?

I’ve learned that when it comes to trusting people, I should always listen to my dog. Dogs seem to know instantly who is a good person and who isn’t. I usually have to learn it the hard way.

I’ve learned a very valuable lesson: if I dream about a toilet, for heaven’s sake don’t use it. That never ends well. I can only blame the dog for peeing in the bed so many times before my wife gets suspicious.

I’ve learned that if my boss catches me napping at my desk, all I have to do when he wakes me up is say, “In the name of Jesus, Amen,” and he won’t say another word to me.