Dear woman who called my life courageous,
Heeey, it’s me. The girl who came to the spa to rest and relax. The one with the pink hair. When I got my roots touched up recently, I decided to add a pop of color to my usual copper tone. “I want something fun, something summery,” I told my stylist. She gave me a fuchsia fade and I love every single strand. Pink isn’t my favorite color, but I loved the little change in my usual routine. And if I’m being honest, it felt like a subtle nod and a “fuck you” to all the people who always said I’d never get a job with tattoos and “unnaturally colored” hair. I’m fine, thanks!
So there I sat, waiting with my sister in our heavy robes, ready to relax and unwind. It wasn’t our first visit to this spa, a place I enjoy most of the time; the dim lighting, the steam room, the oddly small but delicious cups of cereal they give you as you leave. I shook my hair out of my high ponytail and fashioned a more manageable messy bun while my sister held a strand, twirling it and admiring the color. And then you looked at me and said, “Oh, wow. You’re so brave.”
Honestly, I’m not even entirely sure what you found so bold. Was it the pink lace? Was it the fact that my robe wasn’t wrapped super tightly, revealing the shape of my plus-sized body? Normally I wouldn’t take the time or energy to write you a message addressing this, but you must know how wrong that comment was.
Don’t you dare call me brave for choosing pink lace. I know it’s shocking and apparently annoying for you that I’m showing myself as I am, but is it really necessary to be so condescending? Just like when a stranger congratulates an overweight person who goes to the gym – you are fooling absolutely no one with this derogatory remark. Why do you do it? Is it because you feel like you are better than them, or is it because you feel insecure about something and it reassures you when someone else feels the same way?
Remember what your mom said: if you can’t say anything nice, just don’t say anything at all. Making a unique, expressive fashion choice isn’t brave and it doesn’t hurt anyone, so why do you feel the need to make a condescending comment about it?
You’re not the only person who made a comment. A few people I knew gave me that knowing look of disapproval but didn’t say much. Complete strangers, on the other hand, had a lot to say. The nice little jibes ranged from subtle to, well, not even a little bit: “Well, that’s a choice.” “People will definitely see you coming.”
None of this is new to me. I’m a woman who has made choices her entire life about how I dress and express myself that society just shakes its head at. Like when I dared to go to the beach in a two-piece swimsuit for the first time in my life, or when I decided to wear a crop top in public to run errands at the store because it was 90 degrees and I was hot! It shouldn’t be so shocking to see people wearing clothes they feel comfortable in. Growing up, I heard the comment over and over again, “Just because they make it in your size doesn’t mean you should wear it.” It took me a long time to shake that mindset, but I did it.
I guess maybe you haven’t done that yet. Maybe you felt better about feeling ashamed and not expressing yourself, and you want me to feel the same? If so, I understand — I feel it. It is not easy being a woman in this world. Maybe it was your mother who made you feel that the only way to get through life was to take up as little space as possible and never step beyond the boundaries that polite society has drawn for you. Maybe it was someone else. If so, I am sorry.
So maybe this letter is not just for you. This is a message to all the haters: Can’t you just let women fucking live? Who is hurt when women are a certain age (what the hell does that even mean?!) do something outrageous like style their hair in a funny way? Why is it so offensive when we dress a certain way, or have tattoos in certain places, or choose not to wear a bra – that random strangers will take the time to belittle us?
Instead, let’s focus our energy on building a more inclusive, supportive and courageous community of women. Let’s think about how we can create a better future for our daughters.
Sincerely, a pink-haired rebel who will never stop living her life out loud.
Holly Garcia writes about parenting, mental health, and all sorts of lifestyle topics. She hails from the Midwest, where she raises her daughters and drinks tons of coffee.
