ANN ARBOR, Mich. -The box was stuffed high with bedding, a mattress topper, a rolling suitcase, storage containers, snacks, lamps, and a PlayStation as we rolled it through West Quad to my son’s dorm room.
It was a group effort—Josh, my daughters Caroline and Kitty, and I—as we all tried hard to unpack his second home for this first year of college.
Where does the laundry bag go? (Does he do laundry??!) Do all the sweatshirts fit in the closet? (Why so many hoodies?) Power strip for the alarm clock? Pens? Does he have pens??
I’ve moved into college before (Caroline starts her third year this fall), but the same feelings always came back: the next big step of letting go.
“Mom, it’s okay,” Josh patted me on the shoulder. “I’ve got it under control.”
Yes, he does. We are lucky to be in this place.
Four years ago, Josh began his freshman year of high school from home while the pandemic raged. A month earlier, his father had died of cancer. I worried: “What would his path look like? Would me guiding him through the most difficult teenage years be enough for him to become a young man? Can I teach him what he needs to know? Will he be ready?”
These are all questions we ask ourselves as parents: How much help and guidance do we give our children before we have to let go and trust the lessons they have learned and that we have tried to model for them?
I have spent 20 years building a framework and surrounding all of my children with support so that they could grow, become stable and strong. With a move into residential care, the framework is now slowly being dismantled and it is time to give him the freedom and space to get started.
After his room was ready, we had a late lunch, a quick trip to Target, and then said our goodbyes.
Josh gave me and his sisters a big hug. The four of us are a tight-knit group because we’ve been through so much together. It’s hard to see our group split up – two are going to college, one is going to high school. Some had tears in their eyes (me) and longed for time to stand still. But how can you be sad when someone is so happy in their new place?
My role is changing now. Of course, I’m always just a call or text away when I need advice and help, but he’s not with me every day anymore. He doesn’t let me know when he comes and goes. And I can’t watch the laundry (ha) or when he eats. Or whether he does his homework.
“I wonder what Josh is doing?” I said out loud to my daughters this weekend.
My girls looked at me. “Mom. He’s got it.”
Yes, he certainly does.
Here’s to a new beginning, to adjusting to an empty nest and to letting go!
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