Simone Biles on the sixth day of the Olympic Games Paris 2024 at the Bercy Arena. Photo / Getty Images
Opinion: She is one of the most remarkable Olympians of all time: preternaturally focused, generously collegial, and a refreshing outlier in women’s gymnastics. But Simone Biles often has to take time to prepare for the critical competitions in order to
defend… her hair.
“Please don’t come near me because of my hair,” she implored X during her recent medal tour in Paris, pre-empting what was to come: snide comments about what some people deemed a hint of frizz.
The judges don’t deduct any points for this. However, some viewers seemed to think that NASA should be on hand with its technology to ensure that mascara and Pantene gloss didn’t smudge. Because like it or not, these were also the Olympics of hair and makeup.
Most spectators were probably amazed and astonished that so many athletes managed to look so incredibly glamorous. As if launching themselves several metres into the air, running hundreds of metres in the blink of an eye or hoisting the equivalent of an industrial freezer over their heads or halfway across the paddock wasn’t enough, some of these gods also do it with flawless eyeliner and glossy cascading locks.
A joyful, celebratory gesture? That’s what you might think, but for some it was also oddly annoying. A CNN commentator was fired after mischievously remarking that an Australian swimming team was fooling around with their makeup. They had won gold, but he said they were just, sigh, typical girls getting ready.
Even athletes who went cosmetic-free were pilloried online. Couldn’t they have made an effort? Would it kill them to even out the blotchy skin tone that is so disgusting to see after running a marathon, swimming through chlorine like a dolphin, or romping around on a sports field for an hour? Maaate – your nose is red and your chin is shiny. There are products for that.
A Fox News commentator during the London Olympics famously embodied this attitude, saying that medalists owe it to the fans to look good. The Olympics, he added, are “totally” about product placement.
If you couldn’t get a sponsor for a blur primer or a job as a Botox ambassador, it was obviously because you just didn’t try hard.
In this case too, Biles seems to be hit the hardest. Teen Vogue recently quoted X-Poster: “I love Simone Biles, but sissy, why didn’t you put your hair up or gel it like you were at the Olympics?” And: “Simone Biles is an undeniable talent, but at this point I have to believe that her messy hair is A CHOICE.”
Other gymnasts were scolded for their fake nails, as it was the only form of self-expression allowed in the run-of-the-mill regime of the sport. I shuddered. How were they supposed to cope with those claws? (Hint: just look at them. One even joked that they helped her performance, as she certainly didn’t want to break a nail by making a wrong move.)
Woe betide those athletes who have chosen to supplement their precarious income. Canadian pole vaulter and bronze medalist Alysha Newman excited the internet’s pearl-clutchers when she had the nerve to twerk for joy. Worse, she derives her income from OnlyFans – a website where people sign up to, shall we say, show their appreciation to someone privately. How dare she gamble away her spectacular looks and athletic prowess?
She admits that it is ethical to make strangers pay to see you. Her view is that if some people stare at attractive female athletes – and they do – why shouldn’t she be compensated?
Need I mention that the shame for their appearance was directed almost exclusively at the female athletes who, for the first time, had the same number of participants as the men at the Olympic Games?
One day, when, for example, the All Blacks have to defend their fuchsia nail art or their obviously unfilled crow’s feet, we will have achieved a – dubious – true parity.
