“Pay Dirt” is Slate’s money advice column. Do you have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
When my grandmother died, her property passed to my mother and uncle. Unfortunately, he died six months later without updating his will and his second wife inherited his share of the property. During this already tragic time, my cousins involved us all in an unsuccessful legal battle against their stepmother.
My mother had just lost most of her family in less than a year and was almost catatonic with grief. The legal battle was causing her so much stress and destroying any relationship we had with my cousins. My aunt sold my mother her half of the property. She was so fed up with it all that she returned to her home country.
I had no contact with my cousins for several years until my mother died of cancer. My cousins came to the funeral and were a great comfort to me. I thought we were past the chaos.
Last week I put the property up for sale because I was fed up with the taxes and living across the state. I got a text from one of my cousins asking me to do the “right thing” and give them their “fair share” of the proceeds. I just feel sick and scared. They are the only family I have left. I am unmarried and have no children or siblings. I desperately wanted to believe their support for me was genuine, but part of me thinks it was a ruse. I haven’t responded yet. What should I do? Ignore this, open Pandora’s box, what else?
-Scared
Dear Scared,
First, let’s look at the financial side of the matter. Your mother paid for the remaining share of the property so she could own it outright. Then, in her will, she passed the entire property to you — both the half she inherited and the half she paid for. At this point, your cousin has no financial interest in the property. If he still has a dispute about not getting his “fair share” of the inheritance, then that dispute is with his stepmother, not you. Your mother paid to put this matter behind her. Giving him the proceeds from the sale means you will pay yet again to leave this situation behind. The math doesn’t add up.
Whether your cousin really wanted to be there for you and support you after your mother’s death is another question, but right now that doesn’t seem to be the case. In fact, it doesn’t sound like he’s interested in dialogue at all. Your cousin almost seems to be manipulating you into giving him money. Yes, he may feel betrayed after his father’s death, and maybe that feeling is justified. But it’s long since been resolved, and you had nothing to do with it.
In cases like this, it’s best to address the issue head-on. And stick to the facts. Remind your cousin that your mother paid for full ownership of the property, and if she thought it was fair to divide that wealth among your cousins, she would have put that in her will. You can also add that she paid your aunt because she wanted to put this matter behind her, and you hope they’ll honor that by dropping the subject. I know you’re afraid of losing your family, but if your family is intimidating you like this, they don’t seem like a reliable support system to you anyway. In this case, the “right thing” sounds like standing up for yourself.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
For many years I managed my IRAs at a financial institution loosely affiliated with my credit union. The financial advisor assigned to my account changed several times: most were just mediocre, but there was one woman who did an excellent job of explaining everything to me and preparing me for the future. She left a few years ago and her replacement is another guy who communicates poorly and probably wouldn’t even recognize me in a line.
When my aunt died, I inherited her IRAs and worked with her financial advisor. This man obviously cared about my aunt and did a great job with her finances. He does explain things in too much detail, but at least he’s clear. I’ve considered transferring my other IRAs to his firm, but I’m torn. First, he’s in a different state (though he knows my state’s tax laws). Second, he’s at an age where he’ll be able to retire soon, and then I’d be back to square one. Are there any benefits to having all my accounts under one roof? And how important is it to have a personal relationship with (or at least like) your advisor?
– One basket for all the eggs?
Dear One Basket,
Make sure you really like this advisor. It sounds like you already have an idea of what to look for in a good financial advisor, but it’s worth reiterating. At the very least, they should have some sort of credential, ideally they would be registered with the CFP board. They should also have a fee-based rather than commission-based payment structure — that way you know they’re not just trying to sell you financial products for kickbacks. But beyond the basics, you should make sure you’re a good fit with this person. You should look for someone who will listen to your specific needs, not someone who will give general advice that may or may not apply to you. They should also respect your risk tolerance when investing and have a clear idea of your long-term financial goals. And what experience have they had with clients similar to yours? Do they work with people at similar stages in life?
But now to your question. The benefit of moving your accounts is primarily convenience and simplicity. Having everything with one firm can make it easier to withdraw your funds when you retire and it can also be easier to file taxes. However, you don’t want to sacrifice important things like diversification and risk management for the sake of convenience. And if that advisor is charging significantly more to manage your funds, you should consider that too.
It might be beneficial to have an advisor in your state because, as you mentioned, they’ll theoretically know more about the laws and regulations of your jurisdiction. But a good advisor from another state should be well-informed and able to manage your accounts effectively. It sounds like this advisor is quite savvy, so it might make sense to switch if you already have accounts with them. Both for convenience and for the peace of mind that comes with knowing that all your assets are in good hands.
If you go down this route, be sure to ask a few questions beforehand. If he’s retiring soon, what does the future of his business look like? It’s smart to evaluate the other advisors at the firm and see what their client reviews say, especially when compared to your current firm. If you trust this advisor, he should also be able to give you sound advice on the pros and cons of transferring your other accounts. It can be a hassle to transfer everything, but if you’re already picky, you might as well be picky about the person who manages your money.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
I’m looking for advice for my career/life. I work for government artist funding. It’s very rewarding and important work. Unfortunately we are severely underfunded and a large part of my job involves sending rejection letters to artists who truly deserve the funding. I’ve worked in various areas of artist funding all my adult life so naturally a large part of my circle of friends are artists. My partner is also an artist. My friends are occasionally the artists who receive similar rejection letters. It breaks my heart. I’ve always been there to offer compassion and clarity when they’ve asked for it. But lately it’s been hard for me. I’d like some advice on how I can offer my support to my friends and partner without being heartbroken while doing my job.
-Best regards
Dear Sympathy Member,
Does it help to remind yourself that you are the best person for the job? It’s tough to receive a rejection like this, but it can soften the blow when the rejection comes from someone who truly understands and empathizes with the situation. You obviously approach your job with warmth. I suspect that warmth radiates from all the tasks you do — big and small. I know this doesn’t ease the grief you’re feeling, but it gives it meaning. Part of the reason you do your job well is because you care about people. If that weren’t the case, you probably wouldn’t feel so bad seeing those people struggle.
This type of emotional labor is common among caregivers and people in jobs like yours. It may be a necessary part of the job, but it can also be very draining, so don’t forget to take care of yourself, too. Do you take care of yourself? This can be as simple as meditating at the end of a long day. Or starting a small support group with some of your coworkers. As the saying goes, “it’s hard to pour from an empty cup,” so find small ways to recharge throughout the day. Not everyone can emotionally detach from their work, and that’s part of what makes people good at doing what they do. Unfortunately, that also means heartbreak can be part of the process. Maybe the goal isn’t to get rid of that pain completely, but to find ways to be resilient to it. That way, you can continue doing the work you find so meaningful and rewarding.
—Kristin
Classic Prudie
I just moved in with my boyfriend of eight months. This is faster than I usually move in with someone, but I was having issues with a terrible landlord and my boyfriend had just bought a house. Things are going really well except for one problem. My boyfriend’s hobby is woodworking and he plans to furnish the house entirely with pieces he built himself.
