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- For Love & Money is a Business Insider column that answers your questions about relationships and money.
- This week, a parent must decide how much money to leave to his two children.
- Our columnist believes that you should treat a child lovingly even if you feel hostility toward him or her.
- Do you have a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Dear For Love & Money,
I am updating my will. I have several hundred thousand dollars in my retirement account (as needed as I get older). I have paid off my modest home and live frugally.
I have set up small trust funds for two grandchildren, but I have two children who hate each other. One of them has been clean for five years after struggling with substance abuse for 20 years, which took years of my life, and they now live with me. My other child has profited from my ex-husband and his business. This child has received company stock worth millions.
My other child has done nothing to help me and barely notices me except to berate me about his sibling. However, he has asked for a legacy in my will.
My child who lives with me will inherit nothing from his father as punishment for past sins. He has complex health issues including a traumatic brain injury. He is a single parent and works menial jobs to support his child while helping to maintain my household. He lives with me for free, I am a parental figure of sorts to his child and provide transportation for whatever he needs.
I love my kids, but I don’t always like them. I hate my situation, but I want to do the right thing. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Disappointed parents
Dear Disappointed,
In recent issues of For Love & Money, I’ve responded to letters from adult children whose parents have underscored their black sheep status in their estate planning. I love your letter because it shows that there is always another side to the story. We all believe our decisions are right, or at least justified, and that’s why we make them in the first place. That’s why it’s important to move forward with compassionate curiosity.
I want to start here myself. As a mother of young children, one of my greatest fears is future addiction. You have experienced this nightmare yourself. I imagine you have struggled and prayed; you have spent a lot of money and sat in many hospital rooms. You have had years of sleepless nights and finally something worked. You got clean and have been clean for five years now.
Your child made it, but some wounds are so deep that they leave scars. Scars that look like a father who cut his child out of his will, broken relationships with siblings, lifelong health problems, and a mother who will do anything to prevent another shoe from dropping.
No matter what your ex-husband and your other child say, you are not supporting your child by continuing to help him. You are helping him stay clean and your grandchildren live the life they deserve. Your child was drowning and you let him climb onto your raft.
But you have two children.
There are few hills I’m willing to die for, and one of them will always be that parents owe their children unconditional love. Period. No one else in the world owes them that. Neither a spouse, siblings, friends, nor their children are obligated to love them unconditionally. But when you have a child, you make a commitment – yes, I’m bringing a human into this scary world, but only because I promise they will always have my love to protect them.
You’re right, love and affection are different feelings, and it doesn’t sound like your child has been trying to be likable in recent years. However, looking at the chronology of your story, I think I understand why. You mentioned that your child struggled with an addiction for 20 years, which combined with the years of abstinence means it destroyed your family for decades.
Your ex-husband has focused his attention and care on one child and you on the other. The siblings, in turn, “hate each other.” You mentioned that your child’s addiction issues have shortened your life by years, but the dynamics of your family more broadly tell me that it has also broken your family in half.
Imagine how your other child felt during this meltdown. I suspect they were left out and overlooked. At best they were held up as a flimsy poster child for their unfortunate sibling, and at worst they were forgotten in the endless drama of rehab facilities, hospital stays and sleepless nights. They said they were only talking to you to scold you about their sibling; to me it sounds like they were angry with you and wanted you to know why.
This doesn’t mean you should appease your other child by abandoning them financially or otherwise. But you should recognize that while love and affection are different feelings, the recipients feel them exactly the same. One of your children needs money. The other doesn’t. But both need and deserve your love.
There are ways to honor both of your children. Continue what you do for the child who lives with you. If you know their financial needs are likely to outlive you, plan for it in practical ways, such as making them the beneficiary of your life insurance policy and leaving them the home you both live in. Setting up trust funds for their children was a great example of this. By taking things like future college tuition and wedding expenses off their hands, you have given them financial independence even when you are no longer around.
Your other child owns millions in company stock, which means giving them half of what’s left in your retirement account is little more than a gesture. But no matter how they treat you, it’s a gesture they’ll appreciate. It’s a final way to say, “I know I spent the majority of my time, emotional energy, and resources on your sibling. To save their life, I would do it again, and I would have done the same for you if you needed me. But you never did. Thank you. I love you.”
I keep my fingers crossed for you.
For love and money
Are you looking for advice about how your savings, debt, or other financial challenges are affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money at this Google form.
