In high school, my goal was to graduate from college on a free tuition basis. Now I’m a year post-graduation and I know I’ve achieved my goal, but I had to make sacrifices to get there – both before and during college.
Some universities offer scholarships with no strings attached: the money is yours for tuition and other expenses. Other universities – like mine – offer program-based scholarships that require your participation in the program traditions.
These traditions did somewhat mar my college experience, especially because I had a difficult high school where I put too much pressure on myself. But looking back, I still believe that this was the reward I deserved for my efforts in high school.
I dedicated my time in high school to realizing my scholarship dream
During my senior year of high school, I was selected for a scholarship that covered the full cost of college.
I had been working toward this for four years. My schedule was full of AP classes and I spent many late nights studying for tests and working on projects. I took the ACT and SAT four times—each of which cost hundreds of dollars. I hosted school events and joined clubs in hopes of becoming part of the leadership team.
I even memorized chapters from my anatomy textbook in high school and wrote them on a whiteboard to get a 102% on the exam. It was exciting to calculate my high school GPA each year to see if I would go up from a seven to an one.
I did all of this to avoid student debt and have a prestigious college experience. I loved the challenge of working toward a goal I set for myself. It showed me that I could reach for big dreams and achieve them.
In hindsight, I would tell my high school self to stay passionate but let go of the pressure to be perfect and instead focus on doing my best. Maybe knowing I was doing good work would have kept me from crying over a B in geometry.
Participating in the scholarship program left me with mixed feelings
The program encouraged me to focus less on grades and more on community impact, which led me to create a podcast to help new students better adjust to college life. The program also led me to form meaningful friendships with the people in my cohort—one of whom is now my husband.
However, I found that I had to invest too much of myself into the scholarship program. It was unexpectedly overwhelming and at times completely consuming, even though all I wanted to focus on was my college experience. It left me no room to discover who I really am.
Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, my time at college was different than that of my previous cohorts. The pandemic notably impacted opportunities for scholarship-funded travel and reduced the number of events we could attend. I unfortunately missed out on these elements, but ultimately I was grateful for the break from the program to explore my individuality.
I am now exploring who I am after college
Since college, I’ve learned the importance of advocating for myself in academic situations and setting boundaries for my time. I usually let feelings of guilt and duty guide my decisions, and I’m sure that influenced my experience in the fellowship program.
The program helped me meet my now-husband and even gave me a fresh financial start after graduation, but it also took a toll on my self-esteem.
I’ve spent the last year questioning the meritocracy of higher education, but I also know that I couldn’t afford my current lifestyle with student loans.
I’m still trying to decide if it was worth it.
