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Everyone has The Friend. The one who shows up 45 minutes late for dinner. The one who “lost track of time” before the big birthday party. The one who says he’s on his way to the bar and hasn’t left the house yet.
So is it ethical to tell them a different time than everyone else? The question recently caused a lot of excitement on TikTok after a user posted that she showed up 22 minutes late for a dinner reservation – only to learn that her friends had made the reservation 30 minutes later than they told her. One commenter got what she meant: “I’m constantly late. My friends know that’s a mistake and love me anyway. Glad you have good friends too!!” Others were less kind: “No, literally, it’s just a sign of basic respect for your friends to be on time when you plan something together, it’s not that hard.”
Etiquette and ethics experts say communication is the best way to deal with groups of friends who have different standards and perceptions of punctuality, especially since the definition of “punctual” varies from culture to culture.
“Communicate your expectations early and remain flexible. Because what seems late to you may be exactly on time for someone else,” advises etiquette expert Lisa Grotts.
People have different definitions of “punctual”
Maybe you grew up in a household where you were always 15 minutes early for everything. Or maybe 7 p.m. always meant 8 p.m. Either way, as you grow up and start making plans for yourself, you’re bound to encounter friction.
If you’re consistently late, it could send an unintended message. “Being late implies that your time is more important than everyone else’s,” Grotts adds. “It’s not. If you act like that, you might end up being left off the party’s guest list.”
However, if you are planning the party and expect people to be hours late, it might be just as rude for someone to show up on time.
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“It is best to avoid lying”
But is it even acceptable to deceive friends into coming when you want them to? Maybe. And maybe not.
“Consider whether any of the friends would be upset if they found out that the dinner party planner communicated differently with each of them,” says Taya Cohen, a professor of organizational behavior and business ethics at Carnegie Mellon University. When thinking ethically, intent is key to determining whether a decision was right or wrong (or somewhere in between).
Still, “it’s best to avoid lying,” says Brad Fulton, associate professor of management and social policy at Indiana University – Bloomington. “Especially because lies often lead to more lies.” Direct confrontation, however, can cause even more headaches: “If someone confronts a friend about their chromosomal unpunctuality, the friend might accuse them of being control-obsessed and argue that punctuality is a cultural value, not a universal one.”
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“Bearing the embarrassment”
If you still don’t know what to do, consider these tips.
- Before the event begins, ask them for help or mention that something important is happening right away. Maybe say, “You’re planning something special to start with, and it’s important that everyone be there at a certain time,” Fulton suggests. Asking for their help, too, “makes them feel valued,” Grotts says.
- Start on time, even if the guest is not there yet. “It’s not exactly a subtle message, but it’s definitely a nonverbal sign that the party will go on without them,” says Grotts.
- Create incentives for those who arrive on time. “Reward everyone who arrives on time,” recommends psychologist Reneé Carr. “This could be a special drink, a tasty snack, or bonus points if you’re hosting a game night. Make sure there’s a deadline and a limited number of these ‘rewards’ so that anyone who’s late regrets not being on time.”
- Be patient. Remember that everyone comes from a different background. No one has a right or wrong attitude. “If this friendship is important to you, try not to get upset with the person,” Carr adds. “Perhaps they are not used to anyone holding them accountable, being punctual, or they lack awareness of social etiquette.”
- Just let them know an earlier start time – but do so carefully. Maybe it would be easier for everyone. But that could backfire too: “If someone decides to give their constantly late friend an earlier start time, they must be prepared to endure the inconvenience if the friend actually shows up on time.”
