Dear Carol: My parents are in their 90s and live in their condo near me. They both have the expected memory issues, but neither of them has been diagnosed with dementia. They get through life mostly by filling in each other’s gaps. I accompany them to appointments, take care of their medications, and help them with their finances. Unfortunately, I get snippy when they don’t do what I think is best. I feel terrible about my reactions, but I also work full time so I’m always tired. My biggest regret is not having time to be their daughter instead of their cranky boss. How can I break this cycle? – PD
Dear PD: We are often moody when we want to be loving and miss our role as a daughter or son. So don’t beat yourself up for not being perfect. You are only human. For you, the combination of a support group, caregiver training and perhaps some form of paid help could make a huge difference. Here are my thoughts:
Family: You didn’t mention siblings, so let’s start with the obvious. Sometimes the default caregiver doesn’t ask for help, so other family members go on with their lives and assume everything is OK. If you have siblings, asking them to help in certain ways might ease your burden.
Support: You might try the Caregivers Action Network, also known as CAN (https://www.caregiveraction.org). Through CAN, you might connect with a caregiver support group and take advantage of their extensive resources. Other free caregiver groups include an excellent AARP caregiver group on Facebook and one on agingcare.com.
Services: Find out about services offered in your state using the Eldercare Locator ( https://eldercare.acl.gov ). Entering your parent’s zip code will bring up a list of available resources, including your Area Agency on Aging.
A Geriatric Care Manager (GCM): Hire a GCM, also called an Aging Life Professional. GCMs are expensive, but even one or two in-person or online meetings can be tremendously helpful. One way to find them is through Aging Life Care ( http://www.aginglifecare.org ). Not all GCMs are members of this group, so check local resources as well.
Help in the household: Hiring a caregiver to help with some daily tasks and social interaction could help your parents and give you more peace of mind.
Assisted living: From your description of your parents, they might be suitable for assisted living, where they will be looked after, have plenty of activities and can maintain social contact. Medication management and other services can usually be added for an additional cost. They will probably balk at the idea, which is normal, but you could plant the seed and maybe even tour a few of them. This is an area where a GCM could also help, as they often oversee these changes.
PD, your desire to be less of the moody caregiver and more of the loving daughter is a testament to your love for your parents. Once you receive support from a caregiver group, additional education about caregiving options, and possibly paid support, your life will become more balanced. Big hug. Check back when you can.
