Unknown managers and radically new hairstyle – but it’s the same old Prem

A new season, a new reason to say, “My, that came fast. It never went away,” my friend Miranda observed. “You watched football all summer. That was running, jumping and throwing, darling. Or the Olympics, as they’re called.”

Now we are already in the middle of it and the doomsayers on the back pages are saying it is the end. Our top club, Man City, will all go to prison for unseemly financial reasons. Real Madrid is the best team in the world again. And the Premier League is on the decline. We have messed it up. Our time is over. We no longer have the best players or teams. Well, let’s move on. And welcome to a wonderful new season…

Lee Carsley. I’m still not used to the camera being on that worried bald guy in the stands. Why are they doing this? Who is he? Of course, the new manager of the England national team. I swear he used to wait tables in the pub around the corner. No, wait a minute – he’s our garbage man. Guys who look like Lee Carsley are everywhere. Will he be like the late Sven-Göran Eriksson, entertaining the nation with his girlfriends and high heels?

Double pep. I had to do a double take when Man City played Chelsea, whose new manager Enzo Maresca looks exactly like Guardiola. Is it the same person who coaches both or are they identical twins?

Hair today. Cucurella from Chelsea, the one with the long hair, has his own song, sung to the tune of “La Bamba”: “Cucurella, he eats paella, he drinks Estrella/His hair is damn huge…“What I don’t understand is why he keeps pushing it back. I know he grew it long when he was a little boy so his mom could see him on the field, but now he’s famous. He should get a headband or grow it in a ponytail like I do. Yes, I grow it in a ponytail. I did it mostly to embarrass my granddaughters.

Less hair. Mo Salah from Liverpool cut off his shorts. I hardly recognized him.

Van der MannI also didn’t recognize Man Utd’s new assistant coach: Ruud van Nistelrooy. He now has a beard and glasses. And looks like a geography teacher.

Hair, hair. Adama Traoré, ex-Wolves, has turned up at Fulham after a spell at Barca. But he still has his hair. Now with the addition of pretty white ribbons.

New coach of Brighton: Fabian Hürzeler, 31 years old. Youngest manager in Premier League history. That’s a stark contrast to one of his players, James Milner, who is 92 and was playing professional football when I was a boy. Brighton are one of the teams of the season so far. I hope they keep it up. The win against Man Utd was such a joke. Fair cheered me up.

New jersey sponsors. Still confused by them. What on earth does SBOTOP mean on Fulham’s front? Is it the bottom line in an eye test? Betano on Villa’s tops – clearly a typo for Beano. Brighton’s shirt sponsor is Net88. Must be a fishing term.

Mason Mountain is still alive and running around for Man Utd. Well, he’s standing around looking pretty pissed. Harry Maguire is still trying to wow us all. Waiting for
As a free kick is about to be taken, he pulls up his left trouser leg, revealing a rather white, flabby thigh. Does he know it or is it some kind of twitch?

Ally McCoistHow much I missed his gentle Scottish tone and his amazing insights: “I have to say, that was an amazing comment…”

Picture of the season so far. Poor old Jordan Pickford, the Everton and England goalkeeper. He gave away the stupidest goal against Spurs when he let Son take the ball while he was trying to straighten his feet. So uncharacteristic of him. What Jordan did next surprised me. Instead of pointing at his full-backs, the referee, the pitch, the sun, the fans, a plane flying overhead, a fly in his eye – he stood with his head held high, pointed to the badge on his shirt, pointed at himself. He apologised to all his colleagues and admitted full guilt.

This is highly unusual – for a footballer or for most people. We all like to find someone or something to blame when we mess something up…

Hunter Davies’ latest book “Letters to Margaret” is published by Head of Zeus

(See also: The football club that was based on data)