Psychologist explains how to deal with the end of a close friendship
Breaking up with your partner can be difficult, but losing a close friend can sometimes feel even worse. Dr. Ali Mattu explains how to move on.
Yes, romantic relationships are great. But there’s something special about long-term friendships – the fun gossip, the inside jokes, the unparalleled familiarity built on years of trust. But what happens when your friendship changes and what was once so simple turns into unanswered texts, missed calls, and barely a like on social media?
The TikTok trend that has people deciding to “stop running from it” refers to those who return from a social gathering with friends only to find that they have outgrown their relationships – and may have repressed their own emotions in the process.
If that’s you, friendship experts want you not to worry. It’s normal for friendships to evolve over time. Just watch for warning signs when it’s time to end a friendship (or, in some cases, say goodbye forever).
“Like any relationship, friendships are a two-way street,” says Carla Marie Manly, host of the podcast “Imperfect Love” and author of “The Joy of Imperfect Love.” “If both partners aren’t committed to making the relationship sustainable over time, the friendship will falter over time.”
How to tell if your friendship is on the rocks
Sometimes, when you’re outgrowing a friendship, it’s as simple as not wanting to see it. “One of the main signs that you’re outgrowing a friendship is a lack of interest in hanging out with a friend,” says Manly. “Over time, that apathy can even turn into outright avoidance.” Maybe that friend is draining your energy with your constant efforts, or maybe they’re just no longer fun to be around. Or maybe you’ve realized that you have very little in common anymore.
Expect this to happen with people you’ve known for a long time. Some people are stagnant in their lives and expect the same from their friendships. Others will evolve and probably want more.
Maybe you even have a lot of feelings for someone but still don’t want to devote as much time to them or just don’t have any to give. That’s OK. “If you find yourself losing interest, you still care about the person but you’re not as interested in the news because it doesn’t seem relevant to your situation, and you feel like the commitment is waning in that way, that could be a sign too,” says Danielle Bayard Jackson, friendship educator and author of “Fighting for our Friendships.”
It could also just be on the other end of the spectrum, where you butt heads with your boyfriend or feel like you’re walking on eggshells. Spoiler alert: the shells will break.
“This is a sign that the friendship is no longer working and you may have outgrown it,” says TM Robinson-Mosley, a counseling psychologist, “especially if you notice disagreements that escalate into personal attacks.”
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Just because it’s over doesn’t mean you failed
Judging a friendship by how long it lasted or whether it lasted forever isn’t necessarily the best yardstick when thinking about your friends. Is a friendship successful if it never ends? Or one where you really loved each other during your time together?
Experts say that our circle of friends also changes over time. One study even found that we change half of our friends every seven years.
“Our availability changes, the things that brought us together change. So you almost have to expect that to happen,” Jackson says.
Why might this happen? Think about it in terms of each stage of your life. Did you meet friends in college? At work? At a parenting class? Friendships often change when people are in their mid-20s and their priorities take them in all sorts of directions – especially when the alcohol fog of your early 20s wears off.
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Is your friendship worth saving?
As long as there hasn’t been any toxic behavior or abuse, it’s generally not a bad idea to leave the door to friendship ajar.
Maybe you tend to see friendships in black and white when you use your TikTok algorithm: someone has “wronged” you and therefore you need to set a “boundary.” Don’t let that stop you from being friends.
But why do some people come to this conclusion? “I wonder if we sometimes seek such finality because it gives us a sense of control,” Jackson says.
However, if ending a friendship means being more yourself, it’s probably worth the breakup.
